CRIMSON: CoWorker #2 is smiling, I think he is up to something.

COWORKER #1: CoWorker #2 is always up to something. The only time he isn’t up to something is when he is sleeping.

CRIMSON: And even then he is probably dreaming about being up to something.

NEW COWORKER: I can create files on my network drive now and my car isn’t on fire in the parking lot. This has been a good first day so far.

COWORKER: This is not a train yard and I am not a hobo.

CRIMSON (in a letter of appreciation to a coworker):

Dear CoWorker,

Over the last two years I have borrowed a total of 15 staples. I finally got my own stapler so here are the 15 staples back. Thank you for your support and understanding during my multiple stapleless crisis’ over the course of our working relationship. The consideration you have shown for those less fortunate when it comes to office products does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. In fact we held a party in your honour on April 31, 2011 (sorry we forgot to invite you) where we toasted your upstanding and moral character into the wee hours of the morning. Also, we named a wooden bridge (that some refer to as small and dilapidated but we fondly think of as a quaint handyman’s dream) in the former Thailand province of Terengganu after you (the local cattle seem to enjoy the bridge since it joins two small grazing fields together).

Again, thank you for all you do.

Sincerely,

Crimson Myst

P.S. The local village and local government in Terengganu don’t know we named the bridge after you so it isn’t an official name change but we thought you would appreciate the thought just the same.

COWORKER (sending return letter of appreciation):

I do appreciate that fact, but would like to express my admiration for your own accomplishments.

I understand that the village agriculturalists developed, through a long process of hybridization, a genus of tree that produces tons of fruit, but only requires a small area to grow. The trunk never exceeds 2” in diameter. Ironically, the fruit produced is a large and juicy apple that provides four servings – not just one! One of the major factors in its development was the insertion of small staples along the length of the trunk during its second year of growth. The village elders told me that you kindly provided these for them. As a result, the most recent version of the hybrid was named after you: “Greenus gaunti crimsoniis”, the first 2 words being, of course, an anagram of the name of the village itself. You are thus immortalized forever.

Sincerely,

CoWorker Esq.

COWORKER: (plays theme music from fight scene in an episode of Star Trek the Original Series)

CRIMSON: I think that should be playing in the background everytime we take a tech support call because it sure feels like a fight to the death sometimes.

COWORKER #1: CoWorker #3 is retiring.

COWORKER #2: I’m not going to retire.

CRIMSON: You’re not allowed to retire. Oh wait, I’m older than you so, it’s okay you can retire since I won’t be here anyway.

COWORKER #2: I’m going to die before I retire.

COWORKER #1: You’re going to die before you retire?

CRIMSON: Yes, CoWorker #2 predicts he is going to die in a tragic Spork accident.

COWORKER #2: Yep, right in the eye and it will take 3 days to bleed out. My last words to you guys will be ‘Does this look infected?’.

CRIMSON (jokingly): You have an overabundance of modesty

COWORKER (also jokingly): It’s about time I got recognized for my modesty.

COWORKER (on phone to another coworker and bringing me into conversation): ‘Crimson’ says I’m sweet and innocent, don’t you ‘Crimson’?

CRIMSON: Ummm… compared to Satan, sure.

CRIMSON (via phone): IT Support.

CUSTOMER: I would like additional income tax deducted from my paycheck. Who do I contact regarding this matter? 

CRIMSON: This is the computer and tech support line so I would recommend contacting Payroll.

COWORKER (via email): Dare you to change the voicemail message for tech support to:

“THANK YOU FOR HOLDING…

Your call is very important to us. So important, in fact, we’ll continue to keep you on hold so that by the time you reach a real person your mood will have become as foul and black as Satan’s stool sample.”

CRIMSON (via email): As long as we can add “Happy Holidays!” in an obnoxiously cheery voice at the end.