I found some of my old journals under other user names and copied out a couple of my better posts, like this one:

Date: 2002-03-21 22:04
Subject: Nothing in particular
Security: Public
Mood: bitchy
Music: My own crabby thoughts

Not even sure why I am posting now. I am quite crabby but I can’t sleep, probably because I am so crabby, so here it is. Me in all my crabbiness *flexes pincers*. Crab crab crab crab…

Well if I sit here any longer I will vent stuff here I shouldn’t so I will go crab somewhere else. Crab crab crab crab…

AND

Date: 2002-03-12 22:46
Subject: Captains Log: First Entry – Stardate 200203.11
Security: Public

Okay, here it is, my first post in a Live Journal after some friendly coaxing by some good friends. As I said to them my posting will consist of seven key elements which are (in no particular order): 1) Complain 2) Whine 3) Whine 4) Complain 5) Complain 6) Complain 7) Whine.

So if you are a random reader you know what to expect. Dont’ say I didn’t warn you. Well, seeing as this is my first post I will you and myself off easy. Class dismissed.

By the way, as you can certainly tell, I made it back alive from my trip to Quebec. I wasn’t as nervous on the flight as I thought I would be but then again I took a double dose of stuff for anxiety and conked out…lol.

Wow, I had a bit of an epiphany today. I recently visited some friends from high school where we caught up and had a good time. One of my ex-boyfriend’s names came up and it was mentioned that he had enquired about me. I gave them my standard response, that in all the world, he was the one person I hated, it is what I have felt for a very long time.

Well, I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days now and realized I don’t hate anymore, I don’t feel anything in regards to him anymore. It is like he was never a part of my life and has no meaning.

This may seem minor but it is actually quite important since I had carried that hate for a long time.

I feel great about this.

This BPD (bipolar disorder) is really driving me nuts. It is crazy how you can feel opposite emotions at the same time. I can feel calm and panicked at the same time, depressed and extremely joyful, melancholy and exceedingly optimistic. Logically this seems impossible but it happens and is truly an unpleasant thing to deal with.

I have been dealing with this for years and have avoided mentioning it in my journal as most people don’t really care to read about depressing stuff and it seems like I am whining. I think however I can use this as a little bit of a release.

There are people in my life who are sympathetic and loving but unless you feel this way, you can’t really understand what it is like.

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with it and is having a hard time dealing with it, actually more with the fact that it will never go away. I hope I can help her deal with the realization, but it is so different for each person.

Well, that is all of my wallowing for today.

I rather like this quiz as it is at least more intellectual than most of them and could possibly give real insight depending on your interpretation.

You scored as Idealist. Idealism centers around the belief that we are moving towards something greater. An odd mix of evolutionist and spiritualist, you see the divine within ourselves, waiting to emerge over time. Many religious traditions express how the divine spirit lost its identity, thus creating our world of turmoil, but in time it will find itself and all things will again become one. Idealist 94% Cultural Creative 81% Existentialist 75% Romanticist 56% Postmodernist 38% Modernist 38% Materialist 31% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? (corrected…hopefully) created with QuizFarm.com

Just a few updates today:

On the 20th is my five year anniversary and I will be heading to visit friends up north. One of them I haven’t seen in twelve years as she has just recently returned from British Columbia and we just got back into contact with each other recently. The funny thing is she has been looking at going back to University and decided on one. It turns out it is the same one I am going to and she is even applying for the same program. We may end up having some classes together. How crazy!

The next day I fly out to Quebec City for my cousins’ wedding. I am pretty nervous about flying as I watch too much tv and let it affect me (Lost is my favourite show) due to the moderate paranoia I tend to have. Thus the anxiety level is pretty high so I will have to take a half dozen Gravol to knock me out. Of course I will probably sleep through and end up in Bangladesh.

I am taking a spring course at school about the Psychology of Learning. It is quite fascinating and has tons of reading but I can’t wait to finish as it is taking up a lot of time and I don’t get to see my family two days a week.

I have a friend redesigning my web site and I can’t wait to have it up. He has done an amazing job!!!

The Dr. Bernstein diet is working amazingly. I had put on a lot of weight when I was pregnant with my son (and before) and couldn’t get it off but now it is coming off quickly. I feel very energized and more like how I used to be. I have been very selfconscious and have had poor self-esteem but it is starting to get better.

Well that’s anough for now, Seacrest out…I mean Crimson out.

Okay, so an update on me since it has been quite awhile….

I am back at work after my wonderful matenity leave. I really like my job and the people I work with but I would much rather be at home with my kids. In fact, I would much rather be stinking rich and never have to work again. Okay, keep the rich and leave out the stinking.

My littlest one had bronchiolitis and was on ventilin every four hours for a week. I ended up getting bronchitis from it all and passing that on to one of my friends. At least no one can say I don’t give.

I just finished my drama course at university and have enrolled in a spring course. A psychology course about learning, particularly learning in non-human animals. This means I will have a better understanding of half the people I come across each day.

My allergy to fragrances which started during my pregnancy has not gone away and in fact has gotten worse. At least I have an understanding boss who is trying to help in anyway he can. We now have a sign on our office door which basically says ‘if you are wearing perfume etc.. then bugger off’. Of course it is worded in a much more PC way than that.

I bought a new plant. It is called a money tree. So far it is not living up to its promise. Hopefully this one won’t die the horrible, horrible death all my other plants have. Plants truly fear me. I once got a mini cactus and it died in a week. Cacti are supposed to be one of the sturdiest plants. I took care of it exactly as instructed and it still died. Maybe it knew it belonged to me and decided dying would be easier. Some people have green thumbs, I have the black thumb of death.

Well that is it for now, I am sure I will think of something I left out later and post again when I remember.

So this is my last day of a carefree eating lifestyle full of a crapload of fats, carbs, starches and sugar and anything else that is bad for you.

Tomorrow I start a medically monitored diet (Dr. Bernstein’s if any of you know it).

I beseech you all, pray for me, pray I have the willpower and strength to see this through. Pray that the fluid flowing through my veins changes back from chocolate to normal blood and that my caffeine addled brain does not implode from withdrawel.

I ran a search for my web site on yahoo and crimson myst came up with some interesting results. I think some of the results are more than coincidence. I came up with the character of Crimson Myst (creating the name from a slogan I mentioned in the intro to my web site) for a Star Wars rpg I used to write on (with koori *waves* and her sis *waves*, and *hugs* to both). Now the name appears in connection with several other star wars and rpg related sites. Me thinks someone has copied the name since all the entries on these various web sites are dated after I created this character. Hmmmmm…..

I am sure out there someone has coincidentally created the same pen name but I do think in some of the instances I found that it is not a coincidence.

The good news: Last night I went to see some Japanese Noh Theatre, which was very interesting.

The bad news: There are few times in my life where I have ever felt this physically miserable. I have a massive cold, swollen tonsils, a migraine, and both of my eyes are infected. It is very difficult to even see to type and the only thing I can swallow is a few millilitres of water at a time.

It wasn’t too bad when I went out last night but by the time I got home I was so miserable, my head and eyes hurt so much I was crying on my hubby’s shoulder (which I told him to wash right away lest he get the eye infection too).

But truly I am blessed since there are others who have things way way worse than me. However, I do still feel sorry for myself a tad.

I don’t know what people who saw me last night were thinking, as I did get a few strange looks. I think the fact that the whites of my eyes are no longer white but rather a bright flaming red might have something to do with it.