It has been quite awhile siince my last post. The joys of motherhood are quite demanding. But I have a delemma that I need advice on.

I am a member of two clubs, one of which I run and there is this person in both clubs who is very flatulent. I am guessing it is a medical thing but he hasn’t said anything to that effect. He does say excuse me after but it is getting on my nerves especially since one club has him in very close proximity to the other members and the other club has him in my car as I drive our team to various engagements.

Do I ignore this? Do I take him aside and ask him to leave the room when he feels the need? Do I suggest he take a product to help with this problem?

Gack! I can’t figure out that to do without being rude.

It has been quite awhile since I have had a dream that was extraordinarily weird. I mean usually my dreams are weird and often don’t make sense but this one was truly bizarro. I recently had a baby and moved so it has to do partly with that. Anyway, here we go….

We are at our apartment in this dream (in reality we had a house) which is located in a much larger city than I actually live in and my husband and the friends that are there with us decide to go out to a restaurant for a bite to eat before we finish packing the apartment. We go out to the parking lot (which is in the middle of my high school football field) and realize there is not enough room in the car for all of us since it is full of stuff to move (none of it is in boxes, it is just tossed in the car in a huge pile. Stuff it sticking out the back windows, the trunk and it is completely full (for some reason there are a lot of large twigs in the pile). There is only enough room for me to drive the car, the rest of them decide they will get to the restaurant driving the baby’s bassinet (if you don’t know what a bassinet is, picture a small cradle standing about thigh high on small wheels to move it about the room). Somehow three adults and the baby can fit in this ‘vehicle’ which has no steering wheel and no motor but it will drive. That is the beginning of the weirdness, which of course in the dream seems perfectly natural.

So we are off to the restaurant, me driving and them zipping through the busy streets in this bassinet. We get there and the dream shifts, there is now a two tier flatbed attached to the back of my car (about 6 feet long) and I have naturally parked it in the middle of the restaurant (indoors). The flatbed is packed just like the car, a whole bunch of crap that is not in boxes and keeps falling off (for some reason there are an awful lot of lamps on this thing, not plugged in, just ready to move to the new place). We eat and the friends decide to go shopping at the outdoor market just down the street, my mother who appears suddenly goes with them, we will meet them at the new place in a short while. My husband, the baby and I decide to load more stuff on to the flatbed before heading to the new place. All of a sudden the other restaurant patrons start rifling through my stuff on the flatbed and in the car and steal stuff. One of them even (who reminds me of the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons) steals my bankcard. I get extremely pissed off. Some of them start to take off with my stuff but I follow them out of the restaurant and really beat the crap out of a couple of them (I am not normally a violent or even angry person). I manage to get the stuff back and my we drive out of the restaurant (knocking over a lot of tables as we go and making a huge mess) and head back to the old place where the neighbours start pilfering stuff from me. Again, I get inhumanly angry. All of a sudden I realize it is halloween and there is a block party going on and the people taking my stuff are in costumes. A little kid (about 5 years old) comes up to me and says if I dress up like a monster and scare the people they will give me my stuff back. This seems extremely clever so I agree and he lends me his monster makeup kit which all I do is take a tube of green stuff and lather it on my face. I am on my way to seek my revenge. I chase down crazy cat lady and get my stuff as well as the others who all claim they thought I was throwing the stuff out not moving it.

I return to the car and the flatbed, which is now about 15 feet long and loaded with even more stuff, all of which looks like stuff you would throw out. My brother who has now appeared, my husband and I get in the car and my brother is giving me directions down all these one way streets to get to the new place. I secretly suspect he has no idea where he is going and is guessing especially since he has never been to this city before. Stuff keeps falling off the flatbed so we have to keep stopping and picking it up and yell at people who keep trying to steal it. Going down this one street we catch up to my mother who I apologize to for taking so long. She says they were still shopping so they haven’t gotten to the new place anyway. They are still driving this bassinet and zip off ahead of us to meet us there, my sister is now with them. All five of them fit in this bassinet which is now also loaded with stuff from the apartment. My brother tells us to take a shortcut behind a business and we enter the parking lot to realize there are about seventy five Puerto Rican people dressed in gang outfits hanging out in the back parking lot with motorcycles all over and we are trying to get through. They all look very menacing and we are very scared but I lean out the window and ask them if we can get through and they very politely give us way. That was when I woke up.

The background of this dream was extremely busy like the movie Moulin Rouge and writing it out it doesn’t seem quite as bizarre as the actual dream so I guess it is one of those things where you ‘had to be there’.

Still anxiously awaiting the newest edition to my family who is 10 days overdue. I guess he just takes after his sister…lol.

You know that song by Baz Luhrmann (amazing director by the way) and Mary Schmich, about the sunscreen. They knew what they were talking about.

I went on holidays over a week ago and sunburned my feet so bad I couldn’t walk for several days (well I could, but the screams of agony tended to wake my family up in the middle of the night as I tried to trek to the washroom). This would be pretty rough in a normal situation but being 8.5 months pregnant and having to go to the loo every 10 minutes really stretches out the torture. This weekend the skin had changed from a brilliant red (which my little one said reminded her of Pinchy the lobster from an episode of the Simpsons) to a mottled purple that reminds me of the skin of a cadaver after long exposure to the elements. Of course that led to the skin peeling and blood and more pain.

I am still not able to wear shoes which poses a bit of a health and safety risk at work but it is either that or stay off sick.

So, the moral of this story…take damn good care of your feet and wear sunscreen!

“Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now….”

Just thought I would post a couple of posts from one of my story groups. This one has some really great writers!!

*~*~*~*~*~

Scarlett strode into the security office with Spike close beside her. “Well, that was a waste.” She glanced sideways at the elder vampire. “Except that I learned that William here has no fans, even amongst the undead.” She sat down at her regular chair at the head of the table. “Belle, good to see you.” She frowned just a little, her brows knitting together. “Did you learn anything.”

Belle nodded. “I learned we’re facing ‘The Dweller Below’.

“Oh, bloody hell,” Spike said, his voice a harsh whisper. “Maybe I was better off dead.”

*~*~*~*~*~

>An elder witch explains about the ‘Dweller Below’ to Scarlett and Rueben

The proprietor frowned. “It would take the most incredible spell, an unbinding of massive proportions.” She looked over to Rueben. “You know how all things are linked together. The ancient spells which hold the Dweller Below are woven into the very fabric of the land.” The proprietor shook her head. “No, there doesn’t exist the power in the world today to create an dimensional undoing on that scale.”

“But if there were?” Rueben said, fixing his stare on the elder wicca. “What then?”

The woman blanched at the thought. “Then, student of demons, it could be the end of everything!”

“Always with the apocalypse.” Scarlett muttered, “Why can’t the bad guys take up another hobby, like playing Dungeons and Dragons over a pint of beer and nachos or something.”

“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.”

Something someone emailed me today..

“Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that’s where shitty ideas come from.”

Something I heard recently…

“You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar”

What the hell do I want with a bunch of flies?!?!

A note from The Chronicler: Crime never stops for a donut and coffee even in the donut shop capital of the world and so the high calibre services of Almighty are required elsewhere in Region City. The Powers That Be (TPTB) have deemed it necessary that she pass on her responsibilities of providing high-tech panel board weaponry for our hero Panel Board Man onto an apprentice. The Apprentice is ready, willing and eager for her first assignment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

OK Apprentice, brace yourself, this is your first request from PANEL BOARD MAN!

On February 27th from 6-9pm at the Region City Mall the fifth annual Ultimate Mix Challenge will be taking place! Our special intelligence office tells us that a gang of substance abusers will be there looking to cause trouble at the event! The secret plan is to pick up one of the 3 or 4 panel X5-100 display board models at around 4:00 from the Health Cave on February 27th. From there PBM will secretly make his way to the Region City Mall and intercept the gang by setting up the best, most colourful, eye catching display that will no doubt make all substance abusers feel guilty and never ever, ever, ever abuse any type of substance or cause trouble again! Upon completing this mission PBM plans to take the X5-100 home and have a nice relaxing weekend with it. This mission promises to be very taxing and the X5-100 will no doubt need a well deserved rest. PBM will return the X5-100 at exactly 8:24 on Monday, March 1st safely to the Health Cave.

CONFIDENTIAL PBM AGENDA
-pick up 3 or 4 panel board at 4:00 on Friday, February 27th.
-return panel board at 8:24 on Monday, March 1st.

Thank you for the work that you do in aiding PBM to rid the world of poor displays!
Over and out.

Panel Board Man

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And so the torch passes to The Apprentice.

PBM I know I have left you and all well presented displays in good hands.

Don’t be nervous Apprentice.
Upon completion of your first successful mission you will experience the euphoria of keeping poor displays and trouble makers at bay and will hence look forward to future calls from the ever vigilant PANEL BOARD MAN!!!

Thoughts and prayers from an appreciative public are with you.
Good luck to you both!

Almighty

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The level of responsibility passed on to me is overwhelming.
Due to the sensitive nature of this event it would appear we must approach this matter with the utmost regard for the safety of “Panel Board Man”. I have secured a 4 panel X5-100 in order to accommodate the most informative and biggest display ever. Substance abusers beware!
I will do my best not to let you down.

The Apprentice

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Obviously we chose well.
I feel confidant that PBM will go on fighting bad displays for as long as there are misguided evil doers trying to create havoc for all. The Apprentice has learned quickly of the dangers that could envelope PBM at any time and is not afraid to take the necessary steps to keep him and the organization safe and functioning like the well oiled machine it is. PBM’s back up team is in place and ready at a moments notice to help inform and beautify the world. (or at least Region City).
Evil display displayers beware!!

Almighty

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Apprentice,
I can see that your training has served you well indeed! PBM is confident that there will be zero transition time, rather our missions will hit the ground running! Fear not, you posses the highest level of skill required to keep the daily operations of the Health Cave running smoothly while PBM ventures out into Region City defeating the evil substance abusers and builders of poor displays!
Carry on and remember PMB could not continue in this battle without you!

Panel Board Man

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Most people have a bladder. I have determined that once a woman becomes pregnant she also spontaneously develops a “Reserve Bladder” and a “Back Up to the Reserve Bladder”, which means after she had gone (which happens about every 20-30 minutes anyway) she returns to whatever she was doing and then 30 seconds later she needs to go again. She once again returns to her previous activities and about 2 minutes later she must go again.

Now you know. And don’t get me started on the part about the intestines.

Crikey!