It’s been quite a break from my last post in large part due to my reaction to the COVID-19 situation. I was never in real fear of contracting it because I took the recommended precautions; it was more the economic fallout and the uncertainty surrounding it that had me spinning. Already being prone to serious bouts of depression and anxiety due to being bipolar it was no wonder it hit me hard mentally and emotionally. So I stepped away from almost all of my activities for the last year. Some of it such as volunteering at fundraising events was due to circumstances but the majority was because I wasn’t in the right head space to do anything about it. That included updating my web site.

I am just now ready to get into my activities again which includes the web site, journaling, story writing, crafts, volunteering, hiking, etc… I am also on day 3 of my Miracle Morning program again which has helped me be more productive and creative. I am hoping to get back to podcasting soon which the plan is to start over since my podcasting partner and I only recorded six episodes before our mutual hiatus. I’ve started journaling with a focus on my ‘Wreck This Journal’ book. It has helped me relieve some of the stress and anxiety with destructive yet creative energy. If you haven’t heard of it, you are missing out. It is a lot of fun trying to wreck this thing and would be a great family project.

So that is it for now, I want to ease back into this. My apologies that the focus wasn’t something more uplifting and motivating but I wanted to be honest about what I have been going through.

Until next time… Look for the rainbows after the storm…

~ Crimson ~

Bound(less) – funny how four little letters can completely change the meaning of something.

I have been doing very well with my Miracle Morning routine until yesterday. I have a condition which one of the symptoms is chronic pain. Usually it only last five to ten minutes and I can get through without anyone else even noticing and then there are days like Wednesday where I had to leave work early (in a wheelchair no less) because it overcomes me or it is in a location in my body that impairs me from working. It’s easy to get lost in the depression that follows or feel tied down because I unreasonably see it as a weakness and that I am failing others by not being able to push through and complete my work. I felt even worse that I didn’t do my routine yesterday as I recovered.

This morning as I was reading there was a paragraph that really caught my attention. It described how oftentimes we focus on the points in the day where we find ourselves lacking rather then cheering ourselves for what we accomplished. We see those moments as gaps to our progress. So I have mentally reviewed that day to see the things that I did well and the areas where I had a positive impact in my workplace and I feel much better about it. I may not be able to control the pain I am going through but I can control how I feel about it afterwards and how I see myself. I must be my own best cheerleader (although I have other cheerleaders in my life who are invaluable) and cheer myself that I made it through with a shorter recovery time. I think that shorter recovery time is in part due to the affirmations I make to myself and the mindset I have chosen when it comes to challenges.

It is not always an easy lesson to keep in mind at the time but it is a vital one to remind myself of regularly.

Until next time… focus on the positive, cheer yourself on and you will turn those gaps into stepping stones.

~ Crimson

I have a confession to make… (imagine that … as a bit of a hesitant and contemplative pause). I find classy people intimidating. There all kinds of classy people and classy can mean many different things to different people but for the sake of this post it means people who for all appearances ‘have their shit together’ when it comes to appearance, manners, speech, body language, etc. The ones that are often referred to as having ‘It’ or ‘It potential’. Why? Because I don’t have ‘It’. I will never have ‘It’. I sometimes say to myself and usually even mean it, that it I am okay with that. Please don’t read that as me feeling sorry for myself, because I don’t, I have a pretty darned good life, and while I may not be classy I am certainly happy with my life.

I think the intimidation was first born from having a grandmother from London, England who was ‘Classy’ which a capital C. She was beautiful, vibrant, put together, well to do, everything a young girl might aspire to be, except… she came from a generation where children were to be seen and not heard. They were to be trotted out, inspected, and dismissed because it was time for the ‘adults’ to talk now. She seriously should have been born in the Victorian age.

Anyway, back to today and the title of my post, ‘Find Your Joy’.

While I admire (sometimes even envy) those who dedicate time and money to have the right and matching ensemble, I have accepted it simply isn’t me. I am sure many if not most of the ‘classy’ people as they sit in my mind enjoy the finished product of a nice outfit, stylish hair, matching accessories, etc, etc… (impressions do matter after all) it is more of a chore to me.

Again, what does this have to do with finding your joy?

It was while attending a charity event and thinking on this topic of ‘classy’ people that I told myself I should focus more on what brings me joy than what brings me wistful thinking. Of course I find joy in things most people do like love, family, and success, but I thought I would look at something I don’t often see people write in their list of joyful things. Ready for a buzzword that has probably become so dated and will make you groan? My ‘wheelhouse’ of joy is being silly. I find I can relax, get comfortable, and really be myself when being silly. I talk to my teenage son in character voices, I volunteer as a puppeteer, I make corny jokes, I collect Funko Pop figures, I laugh at myself when I trip and fall, I make up stories for children, I create craft projects that a second grader could probably do better at, I watch anime, I participate in RPGs, I colour, and the list goes on. I am a child at heart and it makes me truly happy. Acknowledging this gives me focus and peace. Something I can call to mind to bring a smile to my face when feeling stressed or overwhelmed and living in joy is certainly a better place to be. So where do you find your joy?

Apparently I’ve had nothing the least bit interesting or amusing to say since July. I think the creativity gremlins have kidnapped my muse or stolen my brain again.    

Oh, cruel fates please release them so I can entertain my multitude of fans… all two of them (Hi M, Hi D).

If it weren’t for my thyroid I would slam back a few energy drinks and see what happened. Let my fingers fly across the keyboard and just type whatever crazy crap crossed my scattered mind. Unfortunately, they give me the shakes in a bad way and not the good buzzed, energy filled kind of way.

Damn you, you butterfly shaped gland of painintheassness.

Damn you to heck!

I was having lunch in my car (really, I am not as pathetic as I sound, I swear… I had to get something… anyway…) in the shade of a tree which is in the shade of a building and in fifteen minutes I still got freaking sunburned!! How is that even possible!?!?!

Yes, yes, I know indirect sunlight can burn… blah, blah, blah 

But really, in the shade of the shade!?! Come on!!!!

CRIMSON: I will be leaving at 2:30 today for lunch and a dr. appt. I fell and smacked my head pretty darn good this morning…. Hopefully knocked some sense into me.

COWORKER #1: May the force be with you. Coworker #2 and I are pitching in for a helmet for you 😀 Seriously though are you ok?

CRIMSON: I think my IQ went down 20 points

COWORKER #1: is -12 even possible 😀

CRIMSON: It still beats yours…lol

COWORKER #1: yup

CRIMSON: I am just gravity’s byotch today. Gravity and I have an understanding… it doesn’t like me… and I don’t like that it doesn’t like me….

Ug, I am feeling craptacular today. I am in my Personality and Individual Differences class and am not hearing a word the professor is saying. It all sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher speaking…mwah mwah mwaaah mwah mwah mwah mwah.

‘Do I want fries with that? Is that what you are asking? Oh you were talking about traits not necessarily predicting behaviour in any given situation. You must see how I might get the two easily confused.’

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

My brain is so foggy today and I have the strongest sense of unreality. Kind of what I imagine an out of body experience would feel like. Like I am sitting there watching myself do things.

When I got to work today it took me a few minutes to remember what my computer password was and a few more to remember how to spell it.

I watched the Oscars last night. They aren’t even very interesting anymore, it is more the fact of it being tradition to watch. I can’t believe the songs that were up this year. They were all crap. Really spectacular mounds of steaming crap. I would have even preferred a jingle from Randy Newman over any of the choices. In all the movies that came out this year, those were the best ones?!?! Dolly Parton looked like a freaking marionette. She looked like she is in competition with Joan Rivers for botched plastic surgery.

I am so negative today. Hmmm…I will just blame it on whatever entity is in possession of my brain right now because I am just watching from the sidelines today.

It has been awhile since I have made an update or changes to my web site but things with school have been pretty hectic. I have an exam tonight, one next week and two essys due. At least the topics are interesting, “The Psychology of Dieting”, which I am very familiar with…lol..and “Phonics promotes better litereacy skills than whole word learning”.

I can’t wait until school is done for the semester though so I can actually read a book for enjoyment and not a text book or journal articles.

I went to see the Blue Man Group the other day, it was friggin’ hilarious. At one point the whole audience was buried to their necks in streamers (I am not exagerrating). I also liked their artistic commentary on the human condition in the information age which was the sort of theme of the show. I highly recommend seeing them, especially if you are into abstract art and theatre.

I took a break from the diet I was on since the very limited foods choices was making me depressed (and starving). It’s not that they don’t allow a lot of different foods, they do, its just that I am a very picky eater and most of the foods you are allowed to have, I dislike. So, I pretty much eat the same thing day after day which can get depressing but at least I have lost a lot of weight (I got very very heavy when I was pregnant with my son). If you want to lose weight fast, it is the best diet to do in my opinion (Dr. Bernstein diet), just damned expensive. The needles in the stomach (vitamin injections) were getting on my nerves too. I am back on it though and have about 35 lbs left to go.

Friday I am off to get an untrasound as there is something wrong with my ribs on my right side. Well, the tissue over them which is why it is an ultrasound and not an xray.

I figured out the final item for my motivational package. Thank you cards with a motivational message on the back. Now all I have to do is print them off and I can start sending them out. This pleases Me.

Keanu Reeves is ‘hot’. Just thought I would throw that in there.